I sit on my bed running my fingers through my hair with thousands of thoughts running through my head. Seth Barnes' new book, Kingdom Journeys, sits at my feet. I stare at it and instead of not being able to put it down, like I expected, I have a hard time picking it up. Frustration and inadequacy burn in my brain and my shoulders tense up and show no signs of relaxing any time soon.
This book is upsetting me.
I've been eating chocolate all day. I've been sleeping a lot. I've been sulking in my room and questioning my destiny. Sounds dramatic I know but it's the truth.
I want adventure. I desire intimacy with the Father. I hunger for revelation. And right now I feel like a girl heading nowhere with nothing really exciting happening in her life. I feel like I'll be the girl who will grow into a woman that will then turn into an old woman who will just look back and wish my dreams would've come true but I just wasn't good enough. I have no amazing story. I have nothing radical that is worth sharing over a dinner conversation let alone one to share at a pulpit or in a storybook. I've seen brokenness. I've experienced a broken heart. I've screamed at a betrayer in my bathroom mirror but never in person, wishing they could suffer and then coming to the conclusion that forgiving them would bring healing for me and them. I have seen babies cry with no one to extend a hand of comfort. I've prayed over a dead baby and walked away discouraged. I've hugged a crying child and watched her walk away with a smile.
So I asked God, "Why do I feel this way? I read these stories and I know I can do the same. I have seen the same things. I know You love me and You have called me to love people. I know You are good but why do I feel so inadequate?"
Ya know? God never fails to hit the deepest point. "Connie, you have experienced intimacy and you still are. You are walking with Me and I know you want more of Me. But are you ok with never getting credit for it? Is that what this is about? Is it about you showing the world what you did or what you experienced or is it about what I want to show the world? I know what I want. I want to see restoration and hope fulfilled. But are you willing to join Me in that or do you want to wait for an opportunity to show the world what you can do?"
I sit. I think. I stare at this book. When I got it I didn't expect this topic to hit me so hard. I expected to be encouraged and empowered. But now I see this ugly, unknown emotion that has been uncovered and uprooted. I don't like it. I don't like confronting it but I don't want to revisit it.
So I asked God to check my heart and to reveal to me anything wrong in it. It's not bad to desire more of God or to receive revelation from Him. I know I am called and that is all that matters. But to be called, I will be refined. I cannot expect to encourage people in their dreams with my heart still being in the wrong place. I want God to be glorified so if my story is left unsaid then I want to look back and be glad that God got the credit and I at least got to be play a part of it.
connie. this is good. this is very good.
Connie,
You are right on time. Not lagging behind. Not missing out on anything. You’ve got the best parents ever. You’ve been on mission trips. You love God. If other girls your age knew your story, they’d be insanely jealous.
So, your train has not left the station. You haven’t missed a thing that God’s stored up for you. He’s preparing you. It’s a time of preparation. What a great story he’s started in you. My counsel: Just live each page as it turns to the fullest.