So… yes, I know I have a blog.
Yes, I know I "should" blog.
Do I use my blog?
Hardly.
That's going to change…. hopefully. Why? Jesus told me to change it.
Jesus knows I like to write. In my room, under the bed, I have journals strewn around collecting dust that are full of memories. I pull them out every once and awhile and there is often a new journal that joins them to become old and worn like the rest of them.
I have many passions. Writing is one of them. But it terrifies me. Once again… why? Because it is my relationship with Jesus that compels me to write. It's like making tangible my emotions for Him. It's like… revealing what my heart feels. Everything I write, the poems, the thoughts, the inner stirrings, the silly phrases… it all comes from a place that was just between me and God. And when it's out on paper and I actually see it; I'm terrified and at peace all at the same time. I know I'm supposed to do it because I feel a completion and a joy to share my heart in a tangible aspect.
But I still avoid sharing it with people. It's like being laid bare, being scrutinized and evaluated in a sacred place. Even just writing this is somewhat difficult, because now you've seen something of my heart that was just something God and I have known. But what He has to say and what I have to say about Him shouldn't be kept hidden. Well…
That's what He said.
I have a love for writing like no one else's business. (note the irony) But I know that the only way to grow more in this relationship with Him is to explore more avenues for it.
I wrote short stories when I was younger. They were somewhat good. Mom liked them. That doesn't count of course because it was mom. Mom loves anything I write. But my English teacher liked it. So maybe there was something to that.
I want to go deeper into writing. Yet, there is something scary diving into something that you're meant to do. It's right and it is good but there is something that creates goosebumps on your arms and sends chills down your spine. It's a good feeling. But it's one that is hard. There is an understanding of the commitment to what you're doing. There's an unknown adventure that you realize you're stepping into and it can make you question your step before you take it. It's a huge deal.
I just took a break from this to grab a fork for my chocolate muffin and got to chatting with the girl behind the counter. She's a writer too. She's terrfied too. We love writing. We know it needs to be shared. But why the fear? It's a deep intimate place. There are expectations galore that are waiting to be met. By judges, by people, by family. They wait to see our dreams. It's like they wait to pounce on it and find something to tweak or change it. And for some reason confidence in us disappears when it comes to it. Even now, I have the thought of what you're thinking of this post. Silly, I know, but true.
Is it good enough? Is it presentable? Probably not. Not if it's from the heart. What we truly offer, the vulnerable, the ugly and the inspiring life experiences, is radical. And it may make some people uncomfortable. But it's for someone. Maybe for the one who has a dream that they're ignoring because of the fear of failure or it not being adequate enough.
Yes, my grammar isn't perfect but these are my heart's thoughts. I have a dream to write. To write about my thoughts, write stories about my seasons. Also to write about other people's stories.
Intimate Fact: I want to write a book about Indian children that have been rescued from the red light district and that are now growing into their dreams and surrounded by love.
Why was I scared to say that? I don't really have a logical explanation except that I treasure that dream and it means something to me and if it never happens then it will feel like a failure. But there you go. Now you know. And I pray one day that I will do it. I want to know their stories and I want to be a voice for them. Their stories matter and if they don't have the opportunity to share it then I want to do it for them.
Maybe you will finish reading this and get up and never think about it again.
Maybe you'll be given a shove to think about a dream you've laid aside.
Maybe you'll be encouraged.
Whichever way, I feel so much better doing this. Jesus is smiling at me contentedly right now.
Yea there You are, Jesus.
"No… there you are Constance." -Jesus
